


The Ghosts You Draw On My Back

by zaynslefteyelash



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Hogwarts Era, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Post-Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:08:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22302373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaynslefteyelash/pseuds/zaynslefteyelash
Summary: Remus had always known about soulmates and Reincarnation. It was something sacred and important to his mother- something she would talk to him about when he was little to calm him down after tantrums or bad full moons. She always made it such a mystery, though. And really, it only made the whole situation much more endearing. His mother was the type of woman who loved sharing various mysteries of the world, and Remus was addicted to finding answers to every single one of them.
Relationships: Scorpius Malfoy/Albus Severus Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 103





	The Ghosts You Draw On My Back

Remus was seven years old when his mother started with her questions. She pulled him into his lap after a bad transformation, bringing him close to her and running her long fingers through his hair and humming softly as she untangled the knots. His wounds back then were never too severe-- only a few cuts and bruises, but he would sit and cry for hours. It wasn't the pain that caused it-- no, but the memories. He was an awful beast, he would tell his parents. The monster that children his age had nightmares about-- that was him.

And so, his mother would pull him onto her lap, and she would ask in the softest voice he heard only on these sparse occasions, "Baby boy, do you know who you are?" And as he grew, his mother only added questions. She asked him a variety of things; what he was, who he loved, and who he used to be. And he always thought about what odd questions they were to ask a child. He had no concept of love; no idea of who he was or how to find out; he didn't know about soulmates, and reincarnations. It all went over his head. All Remus knew of the world at this age was what he could see in front of him. He knew he was a beast, yes. He knew his parents, and his Aunt Demelza on his mum's side. He knew the forest around his home, and he knew a small lake a few miles that was near an equally small village. 

Remus, always so curious and bright, had turned to her and shake his head, folding his hands in front of him and pursing his lips, much like he did every time she asked her questions. For a while, she would only stand up, ruffle his hair, and ask if he wanted some ice cream or chocolate. The conversation was so easily forgotten about after that. 

-

Remus was eleven years old and he didn't know who he was. He was lying on his back, staring up at the ceiling and waiting for his father to come home from buying his new school supplies. He was in the family's common room, on the carpet by the warm fire, and his mother sat beside him in a rocking chair, humming softly. Remus was nodding off listening to it.

"Remus," She said, all soft and quiet, and Remus barely heard her at all. "Do you know who you are? Do you know what you are? Do you know who you love?"

These adding question had been a big mystery in his life by now. "I'm a werewolf named Remus Lupin," Remus answered her carefully, the same volume that she had spoken in as if this was all a big secret and he couldn't dare be loud about it. He had started giving this response a few months after the questions started, and for a while, it seemed to satisfy her. But not long after, she would only purse her lips as if that was wrong, as if it was completely different than the answer that she wanted to hear.

"My boy," She said softly, and Remus almost wanted to sit up and stare at her. She'd never continued this long, had never spoken after him. "That's what you are. You're my baby boy. You're no werewolf-- only my Remus Lupin. You're a wizard, just like your father, and in your blood you bare magic, and in your soul, too, but it's a different kind of magic. It's a kind of magic we all have and share. You'll feel it one day soon."

Now, Remus did sit up, and he looked at his mother, at her big, kind eyes and her hair pulled back into a loose braid. "What do you mean, Momma?" Remus asked.

She shook her head a little, and said nothing more.

-

Remus Lupin was eleven years old at the beginning of his first year at Hogwarts, and he didn't know who he was. He was sitting alone quietly at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, hands folded neatly in front of him as he watched their headmaster give a welcome back speech. He didn't know anyone here, and he felt, for the first time he could remember, a great discomfort at being alone. As Dumbledore sat down, he watched as people around him chattered away, slamming their goblets down and laughing along with their friends.

He looked over at the other first years, and realized he was the only one who wasn't talking. They were all getting along great with each other. He quickly looked back at his food, wishing to be back home, laying on his family's carpet and talking with his dad about boggarts and ghouls.

And then a boy slid down on the seat next to him. A boy with coffee colored skin, and crazy, knotted black hair. "Hello!" He almost shouted at Remus, and, a little taken aback, Remus looked behind him just to make sure it was him he was talking to.

"Hi?" Remus asked quietly, and God, his voice was so small and timid compared to this other boy's.

"I'm James Potter!" He said, sticking his hand out, absolutely beaming. His large glasses took up most of his face, and it made his smile look square and even. "I'd like to be your friend!"

"Hey- James, no fair, I wanted to say hi first- hello!" Another boy slid in the seat in front of Remus. He was a little taller than the other two, with tanned skin and dark hair. It was cut shorter than James's, and a lot more neat. "My name is Sirius Black, and I wanted to be your friend before he did, just for your information."

Remus stared at the two of them, a small smile tugging at his lips. The boys looked so eager, so excited about the whole situation, and Remus found himself relaxing for the first time that day. "I'm Remus Lupin." He said, and the two grinned at each other like it was the most fascinating thing they'd ever heard.

The Hogwarts castle, once tedious and dark, was now second home to Remus near the end of his first year. It was a comfort to him, a happy place, and most importantly, it was where his three best friends in the world were.

Sirius, James, and Peter cowered behind a tall statue and motioned for Remus to follow as they darted out into the dark hallway, their wands lighting up a little too bright to be discreet. They had just finished planning their end of the year prank, and Remus found himself almost bouncing with excitement as the four of them ran through the castle to execute it. James clutched onto his father's cloak as they stopped to peer down another hallway. It was after curfew, and though they were sure there were no teachers out at the moment, none of them had done something like this before and Peter and Remus reminded the other two in a flurry of whispers to be careful.

Their first prank wasn't special, really. All they were going to do was bewitch all of the Slytherin robes to be red and gold, but every single one of them felt their hearts pounding as they managed to slip into the dungeons undetected as a Prefect exited for her nightly duties.

They were all small enough to fit under the invisibility cloak at the same time, and they were fighting to keep back giggles as they ran up the stairs into each of the bedrooms and murmured the incantations. And when the last of it was finished, they went back to their bedrooms, eager to wake up the next morning to see the result.

And what a result it was to see; at breakfast it seemed that every student, along with even Dumbledore, was hiding a smile at the Slytherin's dismay and annoyance at the robes they couldn't seem to fix, which were a vibrant red and gold all the way down to their ties and badges.

The boys sat down at their tables, sharing dopey grins with one another as Lily Evans sat next to them, her arms crossed and a stern look on her face. She was the only one not smiling about it, and it made the four boy's joy skyrocket. "No one knows who did it, but did you see Snape's face?" Marlene asked in amazement, and Remus turned back to his friends, meeting Sirius's eyes. Their smiles grew. And for the first time in his life, Remus felt a strange pull in the pit of his stomach. And his brows furrowed, his joy replaced with pure confusion for only a moment.

"Brilliant idea, Remus." James said quietly, and as Dumbledore called everyone's attention to him, Remus realized he had found an answer to one of his mother's questions, and he finally realized why she had been so displeased at his answers before.

Because she was right; he wasn't a werewolf, and he wasn't a monster or beast. He was just Remus Lupin, a boy who was smiling alongside his friends.

-

Remus was in the middle of his second year, and he didn't know what he was,but his friends did.

He woke up in his familiar bed in the hospital wing to find James, Peter, and Sirius crowding around him. They all shared the same look on their faces- a mixture of fear and anticipation. Remus sat up immediately, feeling a few wounds on his stomach rip open rather harshly, but finding he couldn't bring himself to even flinch at the pain. They knew. This moment was what his father had warned him about- werewolves were terribly hated among wizards. They were monsters, and Dumbledore himself was sure to kick him out if anyone knew. He could feel everyone's glares already, trained on him as he was forced to pack his bags and leave the school, unable to continue practicing magic and forced to live out the rest of his life among the boring muggles in Wales.

Despite what he felt, despite all the loyalty these boys had shown him, this doubt took over Remus's mind completely in this small moment, and his eyes pricked with tears. "You know?" His voice was scratchy from a night of howling and screaming, and the emotion made the words catch in his throat so he couldn't quite get them out all the way.

And when James nodded, the tears began to fall. Because here were his best friends in the whole world, crowding around him, probably about to tell him that they never wanted to see him again. He wanted to ask them not to go to Dumbledore- he'd stay as far away from them as they wanted him too, but he couldn't get anything out at all.

Something strange happened though, or, at least, something Remus would never have expected. James crawled onto the bed and pulled him into a tight hug, and then Sirius was on top of him as well, hugging them. And Peter was there, hugging onto the other two boys without any room to get to him. "We wouldn't tell anyone, mate," James said, and Sirius nodded.

"You can stop getting all emotional on us, Remus. Merlin, we only wanted you to know. We'd never do something so awful," Sirius promised, the words sounding strange because his cheek was pressed against the top of Remus’s head.

"Yeah, they're right, mate." Peter said quietly.

Remus didn't know what to do at this moment-- for as long as he could remember, he'd never once thought that anyone would accept him for what he was. His family had, because they had to, obviously, but these boys did, too. And Remus thought, for the first time, that maybe they were just as much of his family as his mum and dad were. And Remus leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his best friends in the whole world and cried on their shoulders, and they let him.

-

Severus Snape knew what he was.

Remus knew that Snape always had a suspicion; the slimy fool had followed him around before full moons just to see where he goes off to, but he always had an excuse, and without proof, Snape couldn't tell anything to the rest of the student body. It didn't stop his constant pestering, though Sirius and James had deemed it their job to make sure Snape was put in his place if he said anything remotely rude to Remus.

But now Snape knew, and it was all Sirius's fault. Sirius had tried to talk to him about it- he wasn't thinking, he said, he wanted to put Snape in his place. He was just mad. And James, bless him, had run and stopped Snape just before he got too deep into the Whomping Willow and Remus could hurt him.

It was the first time Remus felt truly betrayed. After the marauders confronted him over his lycanthropy, it never crossed his mind they still may tell someone. And Remus found himself completely shutting the other boys out. His days felt dull and cold without any friends to talk to, but he couldn't cave and let them think it was okay.

Because he was right all those years ago. When his mother had asked him what he was, and he had proclaimed plain and simple that he was a monster. She had almost cried at it, and she promised him that he was nothing of the sort. But the thought always stayed in his mind, no matter what. It was always there, because that was the answer.

And so he decided to keep the monster hidden; he was staying in the shadows. He was hiding in the nooks of the castle during his free time, reading books and skipping meals to avoid others. He was a walking nightmare for his fellow students, and it wasn’t fair to them to act like he wasn’t. And so he tried to stay away. His once bright eyes became dull, his already scrawny physique got skinnier.

And then, a month later, Remus was sitting at the Gryffindor table, his usual distance from everyone else, when Snape approached him with a smug smile. Lily Evans, a little ways away down the table, whipped her head around and smiled. "Hello, Severus!" She said, her smile bright and wide. Those two had been best friends since they were little, and Remus secretly thought that was probably why she was such a brat.

Snape didn't answer her, instead he only sneered at Remus, his large nose wrinkling and his lips rolling up to show off large, ugly teeth. "I know what you are, Lupin."

Remus felt a shiver go down his spine and he held his breath, a mixture of anticipation and anxiety bubbling up inside of him, infesting every part of his insides with a numbing fear. This was the first time that Snape had ever confronted him about the situation, and while Remus had spent the past six weeks thinking of every possible way this could play out, it had in no way prepared him to be sitting in front of the other boy living through it. "Fuck off, Snape." Remus said, the word slipping out with a particular emphasis he hadn't meant to put on it.

Snape only smiled wickedly, as if this was the push he needed, and raised his wand, and he hexed Remus before he could even process what Snape was doing.

It was a nightmare, really. Remus began to grow hair all over his arms and face, and he could feel it prickling up underneath his shirt and pants. His face began to become slightly disfigured, and in a moment of shell-shock horror, Remus thought he was transforming in the middle of the castle.

He wanted to turn to everyone and tell them to run to safety, but something in his head told him not to. If he was prioritizing everyone's lives, it obviously meant he still had his sane mind.

"Lupin's a werewolf!" Snape shouted, now addressing the rest of the tables, and Remus turned around to meet a reaction from the student body that he had seen only in some of his nightmares; eyes wide with horror, and mouths agape. "Run!" Snape was saying, putting on a whole show for them all. He sounded panicked and looked terrified. "He'll kill you all!" He heard a few first years from Ravenclaw screaming, and the sounds echoed in his ears. He couldn't say anything- even if he could think of anything at all, he wasn't sure his voice would work.

And then someone was standing on top of the Gryffindor table, kicking all of the plates off so they shattered onto the floor and brought everyone's attention from fleeing to pausing to look. Remus felt like he was glued to the spot with a certain petrifying fear, but he whipped his head at the noise to see Sirius Black, hands on his hips and glaring down at Snape with a look in his eyes Remus had never seen before. It was almost scary.

"Wow, Snivy, you really have hit a low, haven't you?" He turned to the rest of the students with a dramatic sigh, shaking his head and face-palming theatrically. "Really, some bloody werewolf. You guys are aware that Lupin here folds his clean socks and writes home to his mum everyday? And wears turtlenecks under his robes? He asks me to kill spiders for him, for Merlin’s sake. What kind of beast would do that? What spell did you use, Snivellus? Was it this one?"

Sirius brought his wand up to his head and tapped, murmuring something, and he sprouted hair from head to toe, his nose growing out a little longer to look like a dog.

A few students from the Gryffindor table began to giggle, and Remus barely had time to look at Snape's pink face before James was shouting in perfect imitation of Snape, "Sirius Black is a werewolf! Run!" And then he was jumping onto the table himself, his hair as messy as ever, shouting out, "Tell us Snape, did you use this one?" He pointed his wand at himself and sprouted hair that was a little shorter than what Sirius was sporting. He spread his hands and the two boys grinned as Peter jumped up and joined them in their shenanigans.

Remus felt as if an enormous weight had been lifted off his shoulders as Sirius held out a hand to him and pulled him on top of the table with them all. They stood there, Remus still a little self conscious, but the others pushing their chests out proudly as grinned smugly at everyone.

"Which one was it, Snivellus? Because really, according to you, we could all be werewolves now. Do you wanna conjure us up a full moon, too?" Sirius gave Remus a sheepish smile. "We could howl for you, Snivy, is that what you want?"

The Great Hall was an uproar of laughter now, all of them hushing down occasionally when Sirius wanted to throw more jabs at Snape, who was now marching out with his head bowed in shame, his hands balled into fists at his sides and his face a deep shade of red.

"Honestly- a werewolf, how ridiculous." Frank Longbottom was saying, and Sirius threw an arm around Remus and pulled him into a sideways hug.

McGonagall had stood up to quiet everyone down and tell the boys to get off of the tables, but Remus saw the small smile she threw at them when she turned away from the podium, and as various students from the tables began hexing themselves during dinner to proclaim that they, too, were a werewolf, Remus found himself smiling for the very first time in a while.

"I'm sorry, Remus." Sirius said, maybe for the millionth time that year, and Remus only looked at him and smiled. Because, really, Remus should be thanking him.

As Remus went to bed that night, he found himself rolling over onto his side as he realized he'd answered another one of his mother's questions.

Did he know who he was?

He did.

He finally did.

He was Remus Lupin, and in that moment, he was anything but a werewolf. He was happy and warm inside and safe. He was a marauder.

-

Remus Lupin was sixteen years old, finishing up his fifth year of Hogwarts, and he didn't know who he loved.

His mother had added this new question after a few years. She’d ask him if he knew who he loved, or who he had loved. And when young Remus had asked her what she meant with the second part of her question, she sat him down and explained what a soulmate was. He was supposed to feel a special connection to someone, and when he was young he would dream about meeting them and finally understanding her. He would find someone who loved him as his mother loved his father. But as he grew older, he found that the only people he only ever felt strongly for was his friends. And friends couldn't possibly be your soulmate.

Remus found himself thinking about it a lot more as he passed through the halls at Hogwarts, listening to older students murmur and gush to their friends about someone they were sure was their soulmate. Remus had always thought about soulmates- it had always been something that was in the back of his head, even as a child. He loved thinking about it, about who she would be. About what she would look like. But as he got older, the thought of a soulmate made his stomach turn painfully. He didn’t like to dream about it much anymore.

One night, in late January, James crawled onto Remus’s bed announcing confidently, "I can feel it, men. Lily Evans is my soulmate. There's that connection. It feels like a string that pulls you together."

"I feel it, too, James!" Peter exclaimed in excitement, pulling on James's robes a little. Remus sank back on his pillow, pulling his textbook onto his lap. "I feel it with Kara Sewerd!"

“Aw, Pete, you never told us you fancied a Slytherin." Sirius said, wiggling his eyebrows at his friend. Peter blushed and James grinned, joining in on the teasing.

Remus sat against the wall quietly. He wasn't quite sure he had a soulmate, if he was being honest. After all, his soulmate was meant to be a girl, right? So then... why did he feel like that was so wrong? And his stomach ached a little like it always did when he thought about it, and he sank lower into his pillows.

Maybe he was one of those people he'd always read about in books who would never find anyone to love. He found his gaze shifting to Sirius and he was once again reminded why this whole newfound obsession with love even started.

His hair was falling into his face, now long and all too soft looking, and Remus thought about how different he looked when he first met him. He still had the same tanned skin, and the same determined look in his eyes, and while his facial structure had grown considerably more angled and sharp throughout the years, Remus truly felt he looked softer. He was easier to talk to now more than ever, and Remus thought that he was starting to like him better than even James, which he still told himself was a little impossible.

Remus knew he was gay. He'd had a strange infatuation with Sirius Black since fourth year, so did this mean he couldn't have a soulmate? Were boys allowed to have other boys as their soulmates?

Remus groaned a little and slid further down on his bed and the marauders all stopped to look at him. "Moony?" Sirius asked, licking his lips a little after he talked, and Remus pulled his blanket over his head, cursing Sirius at his unnecessary actions. "Are you alright?"

"I'm feeling sick," He lied, but really, the full moon was only a few days ahead, so what would they know?

James made an 'ahh' sound and apologized, then made the rest of the marauders head down into the common room, promising Remus that they'd let him sleep.

-

Sirius Black was going to be the death of him.

He and Sirius were sitting in the middle of Potions, working on brewing amortentia to prepare for their NEWTS. James had insisted he and Lily needed to work together, and she had given in with a lot less pestering than it normally took. Remus thought dimly that maybe she was beginning to feel the same way as James did about them being soulmates, especially when she turned away from him with a small smile.

"You and I must work together now, Moony," Sirius said after James ran off, and he put a hand over his heart and leaned against a table. "I'm heartbroken and you need to help fix me."

Remus only snorted.

But now, he sat, leaning over the desk, stirring the concoction quickly. Spiraling steam rose out of the small pot they had, and Remus leaned away from it to glance at his friend warily. Sirius was sitting in front of him, resting his head on his arm and staring at Remus.

"What?" Remus asked after a long while. He was beginning to itch at the thought of Sirius's gaze on him.

Sirius didn't really say anything, only raised an eyebrow. And Merlin, Remus thought. He was beautiful.

"You're staring at me," Remus said, trying to neutralize his face to the point of annoyance. "Cut it out, Pads, you're creepy."

"No," Sirius said, smiling a little and sinking lower onto the table, keeping his gaze intact. "Your face is too sweet. I've been entranced. I can't look away ever again. I'm trapped forever. Tell the Potters I love them."

"Sirius, shut up and help me do this." Remus mumbled, trying not to blush. God, Sirius was embarrassing.

"No," Sirius said again, and when Remus sighed, he said, "I've never noticed before, but you have small freckles all over your face, Moony. They go good with your eyes, and your hair, which I also never noticed was so curly..."

"Sirius, are you feeling okay?" Remus asked. He was starting to freak him out a little bit, if he was being honest. His stomach was jumpy with nerves, and Sirius giving him strange compliments wasn’t doing anything to tone down his feelings for him. "Why don't you come over here and try to help me with this."

"Fine," Sirius huffed out, and pushed off his chair and came over to look at the potion, and leaned over and took a small whiff of it.

Remus stared at him for a few moments, not even caring that smelling the potion and helping with the potion were to completely different things. "What do you smell?"

"Chocolate?" Sirius asked, smelling again. "I don't even bloody like chocolate that much. But there's also coffee."

"You and your coffee," Remus said, the teasing tone clinging to his words automatically. Sirius gave him a stupid smile. 

"Well, you come smell it then." Sirius stepped aside, bowing as he gestured for Remus to take his spot, and Remus leaned over and smelled it. A few different smells flooded into his mind, and he found himself closing his eyes and wrinkling his nose at the same time. He could smell cookies, which, no doubt, was from the plethora of baked goods his mother used to make him as a child, chocolate- which, come on, Remus was Remus, after all, and...

"I smell dog." Remus said, and leaned back from the pot. He knew why, immediately. Of course he did, he wasn’t stupid. But he could act like he was. "I think we've done it wrong."

Sirius was becoming touchy with him. 

Remus had noticed it, and he knew that Lily had noticed it as well. She would give him glances in class when Sirius would make a show of putting his hand on Remus’s arm, or his shoulder, or even sometimes the small of his back. And Remus would only glare at her in response. 

The two of them had become good friends late into fifth year, and Lily Evans was one of the only people besides the Marauders that he’d trusted with his secret. And when she had begun suggesting to him that Sirius had some kind of feelings for him, Remus had brushed it off quickly. But now, with these excessive touches and a mass amount of her “I told you so” looks, he wasn’t sure what to think. 

Remus came into the bedroom one Saturday night to find the room void of everyone except Sirius, and his stomach dropped to his feet. Sirius smiled up at him from his spot on his bed.

“Moony! Just the wolf I was looking for!” He exclaimed, a smile pulling his lips up. His long hair was pulled up into a very messy ponytail, stray hairs falling out and framing his face. And he was dressed in a pair of James’s sweatpants, and what Remus was sure was his sweater. 

Remus crossed the room, a smile quickly growing to match Sirius’s. It was impossible not to smile at him, really. He wasn’t sure how he was ever to not give into his charm so easily. Remus stood next to Sirius’s bed, until Sirius grabbed his hand and pulled him next to him.

“Padfoot!” Remus laughed, a little wobbly and falling over onto the mattress. He knit his eyebrows together to pretend that he was irritated, but he knew that his smile gave him away completely. 

The room grew silent, and Remus’s smile fell a little. His stomach twisted its annoying knots. 

“You’re lovely,” Sirius said quietly, and Remus would be lying if he said he didn’t let out a little gasp. He’d be lying if he said his cheeks didn’t flush with red.

“Sirius,” Remus mumbled. “Don’t joke.”

“I’m not joking,” Sirius promised, and he looked so sincere. “You’re lovely, and you’re beautiful.”

“Sirius,” Remus repeated dumbly.

“I know you’ve been lying when you tell us that you don’t think you have a soulmate,” Sirius said quietly, and Remus tried to look anywhere but Sirius’s face staring down at him, so close to his own. “I know you feel it too.”

“Feel what?” Remus asked, cursing himself when the words came out. He was playing dumb, and he knew Sirius could tell. It was obvious in how shaky and hushed his voice was. 

Sirius fixed him with a look. 

“I do,” Remus mumbled. “I feel it too.”

“I’ve felt it since first year.”

“Well, Padfoot, it’s not a competition,” Remus smiled, and Sirius leaned down a little more, his eyes glancing down at Remus’s lips. 

Sirius hummed, his thumb coming up to brush at Remus’s cheekbone. “Maybe it is,” he said matter-of-factly. Then, he paused, and the two boys stared at each other. Up close, Sirius had specs of purple in his otherwise brown eyes, and the lightest dusting of freckles on his cheekbones. “Can I kiss you?” 

And Remus wasn’t even taken aback by the question. It felt so simple. So natural.

“Sirius, you don’t even have to ask.”

-

Remus was seventeen years old and late into his sixth year at Hogwarts and he finally knew who he loved.

He sat in the Gryffindor common room, curled up on an armchair by the fire, reading. Or, pretending he was reading. He was thinking about his mother again, and her ridiculous questions. Only two more questions to get through now. Who he had loved, and who he had been. He felt a little proud of himself for getting as far as he did with these answers, and he wondered how she was going to react when she saw him next and he had almost all of the answers for her.

He looked up as Sirius came in the common room, the portrait swinging shut too soon and pushing him inside. He turned around, looking thoroughly offended, then looked at Remus, his face melting into a relaxed smile almost instantly. "Moony, my knight in shining armor, did you see that?" He asked as he clambered over Remus in the arm chair.

Remus laughed as he nodded, moving a little to make it comfortable for the two of them to sit in the chair together. "You got pushed by a painting." Remus said, his voice monotone, once he had settled in. His hands grabbed at Sirius’s face, his thumbs rubbing gently over his cheeks before squishing them together. “Ickle Sirius Black is getting bullied by the Fat Lady.”

Sirius looked like he wanted to say something, but nothing came out. He had a weird expression on his face, one of pure contentednesses mixed with genuine offense. "I hate you." He settled on after a few moments of struggling with word loss.

"Of course you do." Remus whispered as Sirius leaned in for a lingering kiss.

Remus pulled away and Sirius chased his lips, eyes still closed and a smile already making the dimples that Remus adored so much appear deep in his cheeks. Remus turned his head a little, and Sirius whined, "No, come back! I need a kiss!"

But Remus sank down in the chair again and pulled his book back up. He only got a few sentences in before Sirius pulled it away from him.

Despite Remus's protests, Sirius put the book back onto the floor and whispered a very dragged out, "I love you." And Sirius cupped his face and kissed him again. And again. And Again.

"I love you, too." Remus whispered once he was finally able to, and he meant it.

-

Remus was 21 years old, a Hogwarts graduate and a jobless werewolf, and he didn't know who he used to be.

He used to be corrupted, he thought as he sat alone on his dirty kitchen floor. The flat had been deserted for a little over a week now, and today was Remus's first day back to it. To say he was taking the visit easily- well.

Remus sank lower, wanting nothing more than to just melt into the cupboards and disappear. He was all alone in this world. His friends were gone, and Sirius had been the cause of it. Who would have thought Sirius Black was capable of such a thing.

Remus brought his hands up to cover his face, feeling the all-too familiar tight emotion in his chest, constricting his every breath. Sirius was his soulmate. He felt the bond they had, he felt the string, and even now, with Sirius thousands of miles away in Azkaban, Remus felt a dull ache in his gut that was begging him to be at his side again.

And how awful was that? He was yearning for the company of a murderer. Remus's eyes welled with tears as his mind drew that conclusion. His best friends in the whole world were dead, and he wanted nothing more than to be able to go to Sirius about it. He wanted nothing more than to cry on the shoulder of the man that had killed them. He missed him.

Or, he missed the old him. Or the fake him, or whatever him it was that lured all of these boys to his side. Whatever him it was that made Remus fall in love every time he saw him smile.

A small voice in his head told him he should have gone and found Sirius after it all happened. After he killed Peter. He should have found him and confronted him. But then what? What would he have said? Would he have asked why? Or would he had just shook his head and folded his arms, unable to talk like he had done during the few arguments they'd gotten into back in school? And then that thought- that horrible thought that he couldn’t shake appeared again. That maybe he’d be able to just talk to him and find out what happened. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding. And Remus felt awful about thinking that, and pushed it out of his mind.

Remus instead thought about James and Lily, and how excited they had been about their home. And Harry, who was just starting to be able to say Moony in his little baby babble. James had nearly cried in betrayal, Lily sitting alongside him smiling proudly. Sirius had been so excited about that, too..

"He knows you! He knows his uncle!" He had laughed, slinging a heavy arm over Remus's shoulder. "Well, at least one of them. C'mon then, Harry, just say Padfoot.."

“I think saying ‘Sirius’ might be a little easier for him, love,” Remus had responded cheekily, and Sirius had put an arm around his shoulder to drag him close to him, placing a kiss on top of his head. Harry just laughed at the two of them, and Remus had never felt so content.

And only a short few weeks later, he was here. 

Alone.

Remus's mother came to mind. She had died not long after he graduated Hogwarts, and though Remus felt like it had been so long since he'd heard her voice, he could still imagine her asking that silly question as if it had only happened twenty minutes ago.

"Do you know who you are? What you are? Who you love? Who you were? Who you loved?"

Remus couldn't say he really knew any of those answers anymore. He felt so lied to, so betrayed. All he knew was who he used to be. He used to be a fool, a fool who was so easily tricked by the one he loved.

-

Remus Lupin was thirty-nine years old, back at Hogwarts and confronted with death, when he truly realized who he used to be.

Remus was a hero, dying at the battle of Hogwarts, dying to give all of his students a fighting chance. He was the last marauder standing, and he was going out fighting Voldemort just as the rest of them had. He realized, just as he had so many years ago in his and Sirius's now abandoned apartment, that he used to be a fool, but with seventeen years added to his life, he was a fool for an entirely different reason. He was a fool from running from his own fate, from letting grief control his emotions so that he believed a rumor about his soulmate that he knew in his heart was nothing but pretense.

His mother had mentioned the magic that was inside of his very soul, and he realized throughout his short life that that magic was Sirius Black.

Sirius Black was everything but what everyone thought he was, but most importantly, Sirius Black was his. He was made for Remus, just as Remus was made for him. They were connected quite literally through the invisible red string of fate. To think he used to view Sirius as a murderer- his mind telling himself that no matter how unjust the whole situation felt, no matter how much he missed the other's company, and no matter how much he didn’t want to believe it, Sirius could not be innocent; James, Lily, and Peter’s absence proved it as much.

And true, Remus always felt a pull toward Sirius, he always felt like he needed to be as close to him as possible. His mother used to say that was the universe's way of shoving you in the right direction. Remus only wished he had listened. He was shoved in the right direction, all right, and all he did was turn around and walk the other way.

And when Sirius had gotten back to him, the pull in his gut, now a familiar ache he woke up to everyday, began to go crazy. The first night he got the chance to, Remus had apparated on the spot to Grimmauld Place to see him. When Sirius had opened the door for him, he realized how awful he had been all those years ago not to fight for him.

Sirius stood in that doorway, his once perfect posture now hunched in on himself as if that could help shield him from the horrors of the world. His hair was a little longer, but brittle looking and stringy, and his face was so worn down that he looked maybe twenty years older than he should have.

Sirius didn't even say anything to him, he only stepped back and let him come in. And as soon as the door closed, Remus turned and pulled him into a hug, almost letting out a gasp at how different he felt. This could not be the same Sirius Black he used to hug every morning before lessons. This Sirius Black was much too small. He felt so skinny, and Remus was worried that if he hugged him too tight he might shatter all together.

When Remus pulled away from him, he moved his hands to grip his upper arms just to take him in. What had Azkaban done to the man that he loved? His eyes were no longer bright and happy, but dull and hollow. His skin had an almost grayish tint.

And when Sirius hugged him again, he held onto Remus with such a strong grip that Remus was surprised that he ever let go. "I love you, Remus." Sirius had whispered, his voice so hoarse and strained.

Oh, he did not deserve this man's love.

"I love you too, Sirius," Remus said, pulling away again. "And I'm sorry." And his mind was screaming at him. He knew! He knew all along he was innocent! But he never did anything to step forward and speak up. And because of what? Grief? Fear? He knew that he would always be a coward for that.

Sirius didn't reply to him, but he reached his hand down to grab Remus's, and sunk to the ground, and Remus wrapped his arms around him, pulling him close. He held him the way that he used to, all those years ago. When Sirius would have a nightmare and crawl into Remus’s bed at Hogwarts, and Remus would spend the rest of the night holding him tightly. Or when Sirius would come home from war meetings shaking with stress or fear, and Remus would hold him the rest of the night. 

Sirius once told him that when Remus held him like that was when he felt the safest.  
The green light from the spell cast at him reflected in his eyes right before it hit him, and there was a blissful moment where he thought that who ever he is in his next life, whoever his soul reincarnates into, they too will find the beautiful wonder that is Sirius Black. And as Remus crumbled to the ground, lifeless, his last thought was that next time he's going to hold onto life's one gift and cherish it forever. Cherish him forever.

In a different life, maybe Remus will be able to do better.

-

Scorpius Malfoy was sixteen years old starting his sixth year at Hogwarts, and he knew who he had loved.

He knew who he loved now. He had known ever since he saw him on the Hogwarts train all the way back during first year. When Albus had stepped into his compartment, Scorpius was unable to look away. The pull in his stomach that everyone had always told him about had appeared, and Scorpius was absolutely stumbling over his words because this was the one.

And now, five years later, he knew he was absolutely right.

He was sitting in the library with Albus, who was doodling on a piece of paper while he studied. They'd been in there for a few hours-- Scorpius had been trying to get Albus to do his homework at first, but with no avail, gave up trying and was reading something on advanced potions.

"Hey, Scorb." Albus said quietly, bumping Scorpius in the arm with his quill. "I drew you."

Scorpius looked at the page Albus had in front of him, and on it was a little stick-figure doodle of him, with small waves in his hair. He had a robe on, or, at least what Scorpius thought was a robe, and held a wand in his hand. There were books scattered all around him, and he had a large smile on his face with hearts drawn around his head.

He looked at Albus, who was grinning ear to ear, displaying his bad drawing with pride. "That's supposed to be me, is it?."

"Yeah," Albus nodded, and pointed to a book on the paper, then to the real one Scorpius had in his hand. "You can tell because you're such a nerd."

Scorpius smiled, leaning back on his chair and putting his hands behind his head. “And you're an idiot."

Albus frowned a little, throwing him a strange look, as Scorpius leaned toward the table once more and swiped the drawing away, taking the quill to sketch out another stick figure. This one, with dramatically unruly hair and double the amount of hearts around its head. "What's that supposed to be, then?"

"It's you," Scorpius leaned on his elbow and grinned sweetly. "Can't have me without you there too, can we?"

Albus shook his head a little, but his lips betrayed him with a smile. "I hate you."

"Of course you do." Scorpius said, and Albus leaned in for a small kiss, and he was hit with a strange pang of familiarity.

"It's getting late," Albus said when he pulled away. "D'you think we should go back?"

Scorpius nodded, and the two boys packed up all of their things to begin the walk back to the Slytherin dormitory. They didn't go all the way up to their own rooms- Scorpius merely dumped all of his books and homework onto the table in the common room and collapsed onto the couch. Albus climbed on after him right away and curled up with his head on his lap, staring up at Scorpius.

Scorpius looked down at him.

"I love you," Albus said, so quietly that Scorpius barely heard him.

"I love you, too." And there was that pang again. The strange familiarity, almost to the point of sadness. Scorpius could remember so many other incidents where this happened, and he thought it to be a bit of a regular thing.

Scorpius didn't exactly know who he was in his last life-- he imagined it was like that with everyone, but sometimes, he could feel the man's regrets. He could feel an incredible sadness- a great longing and ache. And as he stared down at Albus, all of those feelings overtook him at once, and he stared at his boyfriend's tanned skin and dark hair and found that he was eternally grateful that they got to share this life together.

He slouched down on the couch to get a little more comfortable. Albus was already fully asleep, and Scorpius thought back to the time in fifth year where he'd gotten a first proper look at Albus in the sunlight. They were both sitting on his bed, and Scorpius had felt almost frozen to the spot, and it was then that the pull that he'd always felt in his gut when he was around Albus was the strongest. It was a little before they started going out officially, but sitting there with him, Scorpius thought that maybe he'd been with him for thousands of years. It sure felt like it, at least.

Whoever he was in his past life, Scorpius was comforted with the thought that he knew he always found Albus. He loved this boy- this adventurous, daring, stupid boy, and he always had, and probably always will. A million lifetimes from now, they were still going to be together, their souls drawn together by the invisible force of the universe. He told himself that he was going to hold onto this him forever, and every chance he gets, he's going to meet him sooner, hold onto him tighter, and fall in love with him again and again and again.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!!<3 sorry if there's any grammar errors, I tried to edit it but it's 5am so it might not be the best.


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